She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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