We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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