You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm getting married
To pizza
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
