My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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