I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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