I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
someone owes me an orgasm
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
