And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
