so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
