who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
