If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
