im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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