Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
