Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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