You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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