I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize