this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
