I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize