Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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