god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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