Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
