My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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