so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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