I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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