Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
