I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
