True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize