2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i've created a new STD.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
