"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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