if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize