why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Two words: nipple clamps
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