I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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