My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
