Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
