I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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