You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
