No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
