she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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