I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
