So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
