life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i came on her dog
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
