He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
