maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
