Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
