She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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