Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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