he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
