All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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