Ambien. No doubt about it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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