She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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