I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
