The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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