I'm jealous of your bromance
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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