The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize