i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize