God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
