If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
