i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
