His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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