Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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