You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
