as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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