The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
