He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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