the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
