Apparently you make a good broom.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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