My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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