I can tuck mytits in my pants
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize