Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
