It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
